Movie R(ant)eview: Star Trek.

Evaluation: Pretty Good.

But why bother posting if there’s nothing to rant about? And yes, Beware! Thar be Spoilers Aplenty up ahead.

The Best: The Characters (some of). As has probably been gushed all over the interwebs, Zachary Quinto’s Spock and Karl “Eomer” Urban’s McCoy were fantastic. From the initial press you knew Sylar had the look…but could he deliver “Spockness”? Yes. And then some. Urban’s McCoy was probably the closest thing to an actual impersonation of the original character. I think he, more than anything else, was the tether that connected the “old” to the “new” in his familiar cantankerous portrayal. I think this link was the key “buy in” point past which further deviations (for the most part) were granted more tolerance.

The Next to the Best: Two more characters: Kirk and Uhura. Chris Pine is not Shatner. This is a good thing. I think he did a commendable job of harnessing the most important attributes of Kirk: the arrogantly supreme self-confidence and impulsive fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants command style. Kirk is a successful leader because he Leads; he’s the antithesis of a REMF. Pine doesn’t get bogged down trying to mimic mannerisms of the original. Zoe Saldana’s Uhura was, to me, perhaps the most pleasant surprise of the bunch. I feel she really elevated Uhura beyond the role of a mere subordinate and made her not only more than window dressing, but also *interesting*. She’s a StarFleet Officer, Jim, not a glorified Receptionist!

For all the high points mentioned above, I must give credit to the Writers who provided the dialog and settings to allow the actors to bring these characters to life. And that, after all, is the heart of the matter. Sure, they sucked in a number of other areas so let’s get those Kudos in while we can…

The Not Too Bad: I like John Cho. I liked his performance. Really tough job, though. Sulu is one of the most beloved characters…for really doing relatively little throughout the series and movies. But that’s kinda the point. Adoration for the original Sulu’ was born of maximizing his presence through a series of small scenes and reaction shots coupled with George Takei’s one-of-a-kind voice. I’m not complaining…just waiting…

The Mixed But Not Quite Favorable: Engineer Montgomery…..Pippin??? While I was amused by the humor, and I understand that the traditional tech-babble delivered too seriously is now a caricature…this was just too much. Scotty’s role in the original cast was often comic relief, but usually delivered as a straight man, not a clown. Sure, it’ll likely grow on me…but it’s gonna take some time (ie. more good franchise installments).

Ugh: And speaking of too much. Anton Yelchin as Checkov was bloody awful. Yes, he’s got a heavy Russian accent. Pure comedy...tin. And he’s also gifted in a number of technical specialties. Whatever. He’s annoying. Wesley, get off the bridge!

More Ugh: Eric Bana’s Blue-Collar-Future-Romulan Villain. I get that they were intentionally avoiding the classical literature spewing Trek villains of yore…but really. His overly colloquial uber-familiarity was…dumb. Not particularly menacing or tension inducing, just random and vapid. Writers – Kudos for the characterizations at the top of this post, but it’s really time to take your lumps here. The supposed motivation was painted crudely. His plan for vengeance was beyond stupid. Let’s face it; this “character” is the basis for main conflict upon which body of this film purports to rest. While I understand that the typical Trek movie-goer will be about as focused on critiquing the movie’s plot as the average prOn viewer, that still cuts them no slack in my view.

Now let’s get the Geek on and engage the Nerd-Drive: (Not an exhaustive list, by any means.)

Federation Engineers have found a way to employ multi-dimensional space inside a ship’s hull. How else to explain the vast open areas seen throughout the ship? You know, if they want to make the entirety of the secondary hull a hangar deck – as it appeared, I’ll give them that. I don’t think it follows that the ship carries 40+ shuttles (I think the original had 4 or 6). I mean it’s a Cruiser, not a frakking Battlestar. And will someone explain the interior shot of the…um…brewery? Rows of giant liquid storage tanks. Were they THAT over-budget that they couldn’t hire a few graphic artists to whip up some CGI interior mattes? /boggle

Let’s talk Romulan technology. A mining ship lays waste to…most of StarFleet? That seems…wrong. Granted, it’s a big mother of a future mining ship, armed with Green Spikey Balls of Doom, but still…

Let’s talk Federation technology. So Vulcan is (err…was) just a few hours away from Earth using old Warp Technology? Commuter flight? And there are 6 Billion Vulcans, but nobody on the habitable ice-ball that is apparently about as far away from Vulcan as is Luna from Earth based on the view....

Let’s talk Future-Vulcan technology. Red Matter? Really? That’s what you came up with? And you sent Spock out alone to deliver it? And it was supposed to save Romulus by preventing the Star’s Supernova by turning it into…a Black Hole. Uh huh. And this “Red Matter” /snicker that can penetrate into the heart of a burning star needs a hole drilled through a planet’s crust before it can do its thing, but works fine against a ship? How drunk did you have to be to come up with and/or approve of this idea?

Let’s talk Starship design. Or let’s not and just present the nominations for the worst starship interior design. Ever. Will we get to see the Chompers in the deleted scenes?

Why?
Why is there a huge canyon in Iowa?
Why is there a massive shipyard in Iowa?
Why is the Mos Eisley Cantina in Iowa?
Why was “flagship” of StarFleet primarily crewed by Cadets?
Why was the bulk of StarFleet unable to avoid destruction at the hands of an immobile starship holding a geosynchonous orbit above Vulcan while it drilled?

Let’s Play the Derivative Game! I’ll supply the description, you supply the movie:
Icky critter that likes brainstems and makes victim compliant.
Uber Romulan Ship Captained by Vengeance Driven Psycho.
Monster chasing our Protagonist(s) devoured by bigger monster.
Human hunting Snow Beast on Ice Planet.
Introduce a bit of magic tech into a system that completely transforms a planetary body.
Kirk marooned/imprisoned on an Ice Planet.
Enterprise at the mercy of overpowering opponent.

(Last one is obviously a trick question – the Enterprise is ALWAYS at the mercy of the villain du jour.)

Well, I’m running out of steam, and I didn’t even get to fit in my Augustus Gloop reference….
/sigh